Sawing NSSians!

(sorry guys if i kept you waiting.. here it is.. the last and final part..)

i was so surprised of what she said, i was not expecting her to react on this way..

i dont know.. bakit mo to sinasabi?

napansin kong, di na tayo katulad ng dati, we both have our priorities.. parang, hindi na tayo..

di na ako nagreply non, i did not dare to.. i was so shocked and hurting as well..

thanks for being my everything ha? even for just a while...i guess.. we're not meant to be together..

umakyat na lang ako sa room ko, nilock ko yung pinto... wala akong nagawa... ang laki kong %^&*#.. bakit ko hinayaan na mangyari yon... bakit? i hated myself for being so selfish, for being too blind, for letting her go... what happened to me?
that night... hindi ako makaiyak..

Araw araw na lang ata, lagi ko sya naalala, sa tuwing papasok ako ng school, nadadaanan ko yung subdivision... bad trip nung mga panahon na yon, di ako makapaniwala.. gone in an instant.. is that it? how could i ever let this happen?

I always hear news non about her, what she's doing and what happened to her.. somehow.. i felt angry at her, it was too impersonal.. no talks, just texts but moreover... i was angry with myself..

Days passed me by... naalala ko, nahahalata na ng mga college classmates ko yung kakaibang quietness ko, sabi nila, its so unlike you... something wrong? ok ka lang ba? kung alam lang nila noon na namamatay na ako sa sobrang sakit ng nararamdaman ko... no one to blame but myself.....masasabi pa ba nila na ok lang ba ako?.. i'm dying... and its so damn ok..

Dumating yung foundation day ng dati kong school, i was asked by my highschool friends to just drop by.. and luckily, i did have some time to spare.. ginusto ko na din, namimiss ko na sila.. and somehow... para.. para makita ko sya... kahit ngayon lang.. may gusto kasi akong malaman..

first day ng foundation...

after i got home, i changed my clothes then went off to my old school.. i entered the gate.. ang una kong nakita e yung best buddy ko..alam mo na ba? bati nya sakin, anong ano?... may concert.. mamayang 6pm, imago, rocksteddy, yung iba ngayon ko lang narinig yung names..... good... ok yon..

kapag foundation ng school namin, meron dun na handcuff booth, i guess nung mga panahon na yon, gusto nila akong paglaruan, nasabi ko na sa mga highschool classmates ko yung nangyari, pero, sa tingin ko, napaglaruan nga talaga ako, pinahandcuff ako.. guess who kahandcuff ko.. si elai..

kung alam lang nila na halos lumuha na ako makatabi ko lang sya... i managed to hold back my tears.. barely.. but at the expense of my lip..

we both didnt speak.. parang..youre just there.. but.. are you really existing?

2nd day...

nabalitaan ko from our former class president na meron daw isang disco party, mga bandang 6pm, so i guess.. i owe to myself na kahit papano eh have some good time with long time friends..

6 pm came, so we went to the gym, it was transformed into some sort of disco place, with revolving lights...

andun din sya.. natapos yung disco, alisan na kame.. i got home

my phone beeped..

ey eli..

..sino to?

elai to[i/]..

hey, i havent heard from you... ever since that day...

yeah, me too, musta ka na nga pala?

our chit-chat went a little longer..

pwede ba kitang kausapin tomorrow morning, kung ok lang sa'yo?

ok sige sabi nya..

3rd day...

inihanda ko na ang sarili ko para sa kung ano mang mangyayari sa paguusap namin, alam ko, it would very emotional...

pumunta ako non, kahit mag isa lang ako, so what sabi ko.. kakausapin ko lang naman sya e.. kahit papaano e to make it formal... our break up i mean... medyo, nagdadalawang isip pa akong i-approach sya, kasi kasama nya mga kabarkada nya.. dyahe sabi ko.. until isa sa mga classmates nya nagtanong sa'kin..

eli, diba mag uusap kayo?

nagulantang ako, alam nila na mag uusap kame? pano?

ahm.. oo, asan ba sya? palusot ko..

ayun oh, iniintay ka...

pinuntahan ko kaagad sya kung saan tinuro ng classmate nya, actually, nakikita ko sya, but i was pretending i didnt see her.. nilapitan ko sya tapos eon, we went to a nearby bench, yung kame lang, ayoko kasi ng istorbo..

so ahm.. gusto sana kitang kausapin tungkol dun sa.. break up natin.. sa tingin ko, medyo impersonal ang dating sa akin..

sa'kin din naman, wala kasi akong ibang paraan to say those things to you..

we were quiet for a while..

pano na tayo? ang sabi ko sa kanya..

hindi ko alam, its very confusing para satin..

....

....

what if, let's start again?

eli.. as much as i wanted to.. pero, college ka na, magkacollege na din ako, kung mangyayari nga yon, we wont be able to find time for us..

i was so badly hurting nung sinabi nya yon... she's giving up... giving me up... pinipigilan ko mga luha ko, mababaw lang naman kasi yung mga yon, it became an extra ordinary effort just to look at her.. even just being close to her... pero, naintindihan ko naman yung punto nya, we both have things to do, dreams to fulfill.. at walang lugar ako para sa puso nya.. wala..

(i dont understand... why are you giving up on me.. on us?).. i see.. may point ka nga dun..

mahirap ang college para sa mga taong seryoso talaga don, katulad mo..

(i love you too much, i was wrong nung di kita pinahalagahan.. please.. stay..i beg you..)..well i guess.. dito na lang talaga tayo..

siguro nga..

elai, wag kang magpapalipas ng gutom, concentrate ka lang lagi sa studies and stay focused..lagi mong iingatan sarili mo ha? always remember that i.. i...

dito.. dito ko na talaga hindi kinaya ang lahat.. lahat ng nararamdaman kong sakit, hindi ko na mai-contain.. sasabihin ko lang naman na mahal ko sya, even for the last time, pero para sakin.. it was the most painful thing.. totoo bang wala na akong lugar sa puso nya? ganito din ba nararamdaman nya? paano kung.. paano kung meron nang iba?..sunod sunod..

as much as i dont want to..pero. sadyang hindi ko na talaga kaya..

i cried..

...infront of her.. tuloy tuloy... i didnt think for a second na iiyak ako para sa isang babae, sya ang kauna unahang babae na iniyakan ko... i've been hurt before.. pero.. i didnt cry.. pero.. this time.. di ko na talaga kaya...

that i.. i love you.. although alam ko naman na kasalanan ko lahat kung bakit nangyari to...maybe, di lang talaga to time for us..

madami akong napaghingan ng advice.. sabi nya.. ang sabi nila... it was a good decision.. maganda naman daw ang dahilan, walang third parties.. walang fights.. its for the best.. this is for the best..

siguro nga..

sabay tumayo sya.. siguro.. she's leaving already.. leaving in my life..

its for the best..

she walked slowly away from me... as if.. i was watching a horrible accident.. as if i was watching death for me.. drifting away.. from me.. away... so far away..i felt like.. my heart was terribly beaten.. i stayed there for a while.. staring blankly.. sabi ko na nga ba.. it would be an emotional day.. a very emotional one indeed..

and it felt like.. its gonna take forever until i get over this..

April 17-19, 2006

Matapos yung paguusap namin, somehow, i managed to survive.. but my heart is still in comatose.. months after march, i kept myself busy, in the hope that i would eventually forget her... unfortunately... it became worse...

i was pretending that i already moved on.. telling my friends that i eventually got over it... pero.. i cant fool myself.. i'm still hurting.. kapag nakikita ko sarili ko sa salamin, di ko man sinasabi, pero, ang mga mata ko... di nila maitago ang nararamdaman ko,

i got a text from elai.. medyo nagulat nga lang talaga ako non... i wasnt expecting anything from her.. pero.. bakit? nagkwentuhan kami as if magkaibigan kami.. and nothing more.. pero.. naglakas loob na ako.. i want her back.. no matter what..

elai, may sasabihin ako sa'yo..

sandali eli.. important to.. remember mo yung sinabi natin na kapag may bago na.. sasabihin natin sa isa't isa diba?

oo..

well, eli, i.. alam kong its too fast.. pero.. there's this guy.. and he's courting me already.. and i feel like.. this is gonna work out..

....

....

....

(please.. elai..) really? wow.. good for you..

ahm, i'm wondering kung ok lang sayo?

(you're now with someone else.. i'm dying because of it.. ) its ok.. really. it is! you dont need my opinion..

are you sure?

(i'm sure.. he's better than me.. always.. lagi namang ganon e.. talunan ako lagi..) of course i am!

diba may sasabihin ka kanina lang? what is it?

(gusto kong bumalik sayo, dahil narealize ko na hanggang ngayon, mahal na mahal pa rin kita.. sobra akong nasasaktan sa mga sinasabi mo, please tigilan mo na to.. sabihin mo nagbibiro ka lang.. maiintindihan ko naman e.. mahilig kang magbiro diba? magbabago ako para sa'yo.. please.. elai..) ahmm.. wala.. wala yon! pauso ko lang!
=====================================================

ito ang malungkot kong istorya.. may mga rumors na dumadating sakin from her classmates.. ang sabi nila.. sila na daw.. meron naman nagsasabi, ang sweet nila together.. perfect match.. habang ako naman.. i'm trying to live the best i could.. away from her memory.. away from every bit that reminds me of her.. narerealize ko na nga din minsan na.. i get bitter sometimes..

pero.. i still wish her happiness.. nasaktan na sya sa akin.. karapatan naman nya na sumaya sa iba...

may mga bagay pala na.. sa huli lang narerealize yung kahalagahan..kaya pala ginawa ng Diyos na nasa huli lagi ang pagsisisi... to somehow.. learn something from it.. sabi nga nila.. you'll never miss the water until it runs dry.. true in my case.. i was too blind to see na.. she's dying from our relationship.. i never gave any importance while i still had that oppurtunity..

the best thing about loving and being hurt is that, you get to know what true love really is.. people do forget sometimes and unconciously, the things that matter to them the most.. sometimes.. people grow apart... fall in and out of love, people change.. so as our hearts... its just a matter of "how".. and not "when.."

loving someone can go awry sometimes.. and when it does.. it would definitely hurt.. loving someone without pain is impossible.. owing to the fact that.. it is a shared affection.. and not just a simple feeling of happiness and fondness.. its more than that.. much more than that.. you need time and chances.. moments and special events... that special feeling and concern... and of course.. including tha pain.. it only proves how diverse love is.. and how complicated it becomes..

i chose to let her go.. in the faint hope that.. she might find someone who would definitely give her the importance and happiness she deserves.. cowardice you think? no.. its what i feel... its what she deserves.. she deserves someone else better than me.. i would fight for her happiness if i have to.. that is.. if i'm her happiness.. she deserves someone else..

its been months.. since these things happened..

i still feel that my heart is in comatose..

Nina Soul Siren